the list gets shorter...

I now have bronchitis. :( After having more complications with my asthma over the weekend, we went to the doctor this morning, and I got put on prescription drug number four. I'm starting to feel the Prednisone kicking in at long last, and hopefully I should be myself in a few days. I'm drinking lots of water, and I had chicken and rice soup for lunch.

Still, I can't shake a comment a doctor made during my first visit ten days ago. "Stick with music... I wouldn't go out for sports."

You see, dear readers, I have realized that the options for my hobbies and careers are narrowing. As young Anne Shirley once put it, "My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes."

I can never go out for sports. (Exercise is an asthma trigger.)

I will never be a professional house painter. (Paint fumes caused problems Wednesday morning.)

I will never be able to climb Mount Everest. (While my Prednisone has me wired enough that I want to, I have to realize that the altitude might not be beneficial for my breathing.)

I will never be the jazz pianist in the cocktail bar. (Too much smoke...)

I can never be the manager of a grain co-op. (Burnt, moldy corn from a grain fire at the elevator in my hometown was probably what sent me over the edge.)

I can never pursue a career in veterinary medicine. (I can handle animals in limited quantity for a short period of time... but maybe I spent too much time at the county fair?)

I can never be a firefighter. (This one doesn't quite need any explanation...)


Well... as sad as the narrowing career options are, I have to admit, I'm glad to be on the road to recovery. I'm also glad to know what my triggers are... now I can behave myself and avoid them.

Even if it means I'll never be able to be a professional carpet cleaner. :)

With love from an absolute doll,

Erin Joy

"the breath of all mankind"

My asthma is back in full force, and as I've sat at home doped up on Benedryl, and hyped up by albuterol and steroids, I've been thinking.

Job 12:10 says, "In His hand is the life of every living thing, and the breath of all mankind."

God is in control. Every breath I take is enabled by Him... whether my lungs are swollen or not. You see, it's easy to remember that God is the one enabling my breath when I'm coughing and wheezing. When every breath feels like a victory, I know God is in control.

But what about when the asthma's over? In a few weeks, when my lungs are back to normal and I'm only puffing occasionally, what then? Is God still enabling each breath? Or is it just going on as normal, under His control only when there's a problem?

If I ever allow myself to forget that my life is in God's hands, shame on me. Asthmatic or not, breathing is a gift from God. He can give it, and He can take it away... and blessed be His name regardless.

With love from an absolute doll,

Erin Joy

"Experiencing God" and His many names

This summer, I have joined a ladies' Bible study at my home church. It meets at 6 a.m. on a weekday morning, so I've been faithfully drinking my coffee that morning. :) (When a brain is made out of stuffing like mine is, it needs a lot of caffeine to wake it up in the morning.)

We've been using the study Experiencing God by Henry and Richard Blackaby and Claude King. From the very first day, God has been using this study to convict and challenge me. I've realized I need to place the focus back on God and His work, not on me and how I want to focus on Him.

Focusing on oneself can be a very subtle thing. You can be convinced you're focused solely on God and what He wants you to do for Him... and then come to a realization that you're really focusing on what you can do for God, not on God Himself.

I was unsure how to fix this problem (funny how a little doll like me is convinced that I can fix everything in my life), and then one day, the lesson was on worshiping God. We were given a list of God's names and instructed to meditate on them. This was a long list -- 2 pages, 3 columns each, in about 7 point font. Trust me; when the page is bigger than you are, that's a lot of names of God. I got stuck on the first one (a faithful God), and didn't get any farther that day.

Ever since, I've been meditating on these names, moving down the list one by one. I've read the Scripture that introduces the name or the attribute, and have seen God as faithful, ready to forgive, a saving refuge, a glorious crown, a jealous and avenging God, and today, as my refuge and stronghold. I meditate on these names throughout the day, and I've already been noticing a shift in focus. Suddenly, it's about WHO God is, not what He wants me to do. I'm seeing ways He is faithful to me, ways He has and is forgiving me, ways he has been my refuge. Today, I read in Joel a description of His wrath juxtaposed against His tenderness and protection for Israel. I'm excited to continue to encounter this mighty and wonderful God anew.

What are names of God that have had great significance for you? How have you encountered Him lately?

With love from an absolute doll,

Erin Joy

In which Erin Joy becomes a "techie"

Last summer, when I came back to the country, I had no idea what I'd be doing. I ended up working at the newspaper where I worked in high school, and waiting tables. This summer, the newspaper was able to give me full-time work, so that's my only job. It has definitely had its interesting moments.

Upon arriving, it soon became apparent that, while my job requires a computer, the computer available to me was broken. Since I was the only one with disposable time, I was asked to diagnose the problem.

You have to understand, dear readers, that I do not fix computers as a general rule. No. The most I ever do is call my brother, and he tells me over the phone exactly what to do. While I do run Ubuntu as my personal operating system, that is more do to the tech savvy of my computer engineering brothers than my own knowledge of it. The idea of me being appointed techie seemed somewhat laughable.

I used Google. And help menus. And the Apple software assistance page. And somehow, I managed to fix that computer. I was relatively terrified going into the situation, but I guess some of the tech savvy wore off... maybe by listening to it for so long from my brothers, it managed to work its way into my stuffing. I still feel completely incapable of doing anything beyond installing an operating system, though... there is a definite limit to how much computer savvy can be learned by osmosis (or diffusion... or whatever it is... I'm not a scientist, either!).

We still have to wait and see if the problem was actually the operating system, but that question is for someone with more tech savvy than a little doll like me to answer. There's a reason I'm not another computer engineer in the family.

Well, I'm afraid my other adventures at the newspaper will have to be put off for another day... so until then, dear readers!

With love from an absolute doll,

Erin Joy

a doggy and a dolly

I took my Bible and coffee out to the back porch this morning, intending to have a quiet time in God's Word while enjoying the beautiful summer day. I didn't expect to enjoy Pepper, the old farm dog whose presence has often annoyed me.

When I was in high school, reading on the back porch meant dealing with a jumpy dog who wouldn't sit still, got my fabric wet with her drool, and got her doggy breath all over my face. (Yes, I can smell without a nose. Don't ask me how that works...)

I would go out to the porch with great intentions, but before too long usually headed back inside. I was willing to pet the dog, but only in moderation. In the words of one of my mentors, "Dogs just gross me out."

Please don't hate me, dog lovers. I love dogs in theory. I love the idea that a pet can become your best friend. I think it's sweet when people love their dogs and dote on them. I have just never mourned the fact that I'm allergic and have an impending asthma attack as a legitimate reason never to have them in my house. :) (Yes... I have asthma without a nose, too... and we wouldn't want my stuffing to tighten up so I couldn't breathe, now would we?)

This morning this reaction was different. I was sitting on the swing, contentedly reading my Bible, and the dog came up. This time, she just looked at me a little mournfully. She quietly sat down. I reached out and petted her, then returned to my Bible. Pepper stood up slowly and opened her mouth, drooling on the concrete as she panted for more.

The dog isn't jumpy anymore. She's entering her old age, and the end doesn't seem to be too far away. She moves slowly and sadly, and when I petted her again before I went inside, she seemed grateful that anyone would pay attention to her at all. She doesn't want to play like she used to. She just wants a friend.

I started to realize that the dog has been faithfully there. She's barked to let me know when strangers drive on the farm. She's played with me when I wanted her to, and whined when I didn't. She's put up with being loved by some of us and ignored by others, but she still loves us all the same.

Now, as she's getting older, I'm realizing that the farm won't quite be the same without her. It's already tangibly different. She doesn't run up to meet me anymore when I get home from work. She just comes and finds me and looks mournfully at me on the porch swing. She drools on the concrete instead of my fabric, and lies down behind the swing as I read instead of jumping on me.

And, yes, dog lovers, I think I'm going to miss her.

With love from an absolute doll,

Erin Joy

Thoughts on "Mr. Holland's Opus"

I watched Mr. Holland's Opus for the first time last night. I'd seen clips from it before, but never the whole movie.

For those of you readers who have not seen this movie, put it next on your movie-watching queue. I was blown away by this realistic portrait of a teacher, musician, husband, and father. Mr. Holland, full of his weaknesses, proved to be a hero in the end, and made all of us watching the movie get a bit teary-eyed.

I think it was Mr. Holland's weaknesses that made him such a believable character. I, for one, identified with his passion for music, and also how that came with its own set of temptations.

As a musician, it is easy to let a love for music take precedence over everything else, even the people to whom you are teaching it. Watching Mr. Holland deal with the pressures of teaching people who didn't seem destined for success was inspiring for me. It wasn't easy, but he learned how to offer both criticism and encouragement, and how to teach in a way that inspired enjoyment in the kids.

He also had to learn that his personal musical goals could sometimes play second fiddle (Pardon the pun; I know it's terrible!) to his family life. This was another hard lesson for Mr. Holland, and it is something with which I easily identify. When is the time to focus and prioritize time as a musician, and when is the time to set aside the metronome and listen to a friend? It is difficult to recognize that there may be seasons in my life when classical music will have to be lower on the priority list.

Still, the movie also captured the rewards of prioritizing correctly. Things fell into place when Mr. Holland learned to place family and students first. Will this always happen? Not perfectly like it did for Mr. Holland, perhaps, but we are promised that "all these things will be added to you" when we seek the Kingdom first.

With love from an absolute doll,

Erin Joy

a concussion, finals week, and finally a blogpost...

Life advice: Do NOT get a concussion during finals week of spring semester.

I did not follow this life advice.

The Sunday night before finals, my roommate was opening the door for me. It was one of those big, heavy metal fire doors, which probably weighs about three times as much as a little doll like me. As she opened it and I started to walk through, it caught on my foot, ricocheted back, and slammed my head between the door and the doorframe.

Two days later, I went to health service, was diagnosed with a concussion, and decided to complete my final exams. My stuffing was a bit rattled and squished, so the doctor wrote me a note to give to my professors. I spread my finals over the rest of the week, and I still have to finish one paper. I spend most of my week napping, taking Tylenol, and trying to pack (with the help of another friend who ought to be nominated for sainthood!).

I learned a few things through this concussion (besides the life advice already mentioned). First, always start projects early. If I hadn't started some of my assignments ahead of time, I never would have survived finals week in one piece, because the workload I would have tried to accomplish would have been double or triple.

I also learned to be very grateful for good friends! There were lots of wonderful people who helped, whether it were packing my suitcases, cleaning the apartment, taking my shifts at work, or telling me to go to bed. (Hey... I'm tough! I don't want to admit that a concussion can get me down...)

And, finally, I learned that, in general, slamming your head in a door is something to be avoided.

With love from an absolute doll,

Erin Joy